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Libertarian humor: Good oneliners for discussions with statists?

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Consultant Posted: Tue, Jul 20 2010 9:19 AM

Hi,

I always find that using humor is a good way to introduce "radical" ideas to socialists/statists. Sometimes it allows for a soft confrontation with their ideas and creates an easier atmosphere for them to switch to your ideas. At other times they ask follow up questions and thus let me explain my position. At the very least, some humor helps me to net get mad ad them for their positions.

Here are two that work quite well:

- "We have so much state education you can become a standup comedian by telling the truth!"

- "The government fails at everything it does. It it manages roads, you get traffic jams. If it manages defense, you get war. If it manages schools, you get socialists."

Are there oneliners you like to use in discussions with statists? Other effective things you do to "plant" that idea/doubt in their little statist brains?

The older I get, the less I know.
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A Communist / Socialist is someone with nothing who wants to share with everyone else.

Ronald Regan's most feared words in the English language: I'm from the Government and I am here to help you.

I think that the is a book of actual USSR jokes, one I remember was a long the lines that a Russian orders a car, only to be told that the waiting time is 15 years 4 months and it will be delivered in the afternoon of Sept 15th, to which the purchaser replies that that date won't work because the pumber is coming round then!

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Socialism is when you give the people with a lesser percentage of the cake, a higher percentage of the cake, but shrink the cake

Captialism is when you have people voluntarily divide up the cake for frosting, forks, and plates which leads to the people who give more stuff to have more cake, but which also enlarges the cake.

So if you believe that democracy is right, then if we take a vote right now and the majority in the area says you're wrong....

Democracy is glorified mob rule

So if I come and rob you its ok as long as I give half of that to the poor?

"Lo! I am weary of my wisdom, like the bee that hath gathered too much honey; I need hands outstretched to take it." -Thus Spake Zarathustra
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"So if you believe that democracy is right, then if we take a vote right now and the majority in the area says you're wrong...."

This one is awesome.  I spent so much time digressing on this point, but this one liner is much better!

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Stacy Litz replied on Tue, Jul 20 2010 11:46 AM

Usually I just say something like, "Would you point a gun at my head . . . " in regards to taxation, eminent domain, drug use, etc.

If they say, "Yes," then say, "And would you pull the trigger?"

Scares them shitless. 

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MaikU replied on Tue, Jul 20 2010 11:52 AM

Stacy Litz:

Usually I just say something like, "Would you point a gun at my head . . . " in regards to taxation, eminent domain, drug use, etc.

 

 

of course NO, I would rather vote for people who would do that.

"Dude... Roderick Long is the most anarchisty anarchist that has ever anarchisted!" - Evilsceptic

(english is not my native language, sorry for grammar.)

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MaikU:
Stacy Litz:
Usually I just say something like, "Would you point a gun at my head . . . " in regards to taxation, eminent domain, drug use, etc.
of course NO, I would rather vote for people who would do that.

Actually, I tihnk this is a good lead in.

They say no, I'd rather vote for people who would do that.

and then you say 'and would they do it to you? what are their incentives?'  etc.

Where there is no property there is no justice; a proposition as certain as any demonstration in Euclid

Fools! not to see that what they madly desire would be a calamity to them as no hands but their own could bring

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"of course NO, I would rather vote for people who would do that"

The scary thing is that this is actually exactly how democracy works... To the letter.

"Lo! I am weary of my wisdom, like the bee that hath gathered too much honey; I need hands outstretched to take it." -Thus Spake Zarathustra
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MrSchnapps replied on Tue, Jul 20 2010 12:18 PM

“Where are these angels who are going to organize society for us?” - Milton Friedman

Perfect one-liner against a socialist who just finished rallying against human greed and corruption.

“Remove justice,” St. Augustine asks, “and what are kingdoms but gangs of criminals on a large scale? What are criminal gangs but petty kingdoms?”
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MrSchnapps replied on Tue, Jul 20 2010 12:19 PM

Edit: Sorry, double post.

“Remove justice,” St. Augustine asks, “and what are kingdoms but gangs of criminals on a large scale? What are criminal gangs but petty kingdoms?”
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Democracy is the great fiction through which everybody tries to live at the expense of everyone else.

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Joe replied on Tue, Jul 20 2010 1:25 PM

I do find that its hard to be really funny and libertarian at the same time.  Its too serious.  Because the left all buy into various fantasies, they can make jokes about other views and how 'barbaric' they are.  Because everyone buys in, the logic behind the jokes don't need to be explained and everyone can go home happy.

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Aquila replied on Tue, Jul 20 2010 2:32 PM

The Remnant:

A Communist / Socialist is someone with nothing who wants to share with everyone else.

Ronald Regan's most feared words in the English language: I'm from the Government and I am here to help you.

I think that the is a book of actual USSR jokes, one I remember was a long the lines that a Russian orders a car, only to be told that the waiting time is 15 years 4 months and it will be delivered in the afternoon of Sept 15th, to which the purchaser replies that that date won't work because the pumber is coming round then!

ROFL

MrSchnapps:
Edit: Sorry, double post.

Edit? How the fizz did you edit? How come I can’t edit?

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By your posts you'll see a 'More' click down menu. Click on it and you'll see the edit option.

“Remove justice,” St. Augustine asks, “and what are kingdoms but gangs of criminals on a large scale? What are criminal gangs but petty kingdoms?”
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David. replied on Tue, Jul 20 2010 8:39 PM

Democracy counts heads, even empty heads.

 

Democracy is dictatorship by the masses.

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Lewis S. replied on Tue, Jul 20 2010 8:42 PM

Cue up the Mencken quotes.  My favorite:

Democracy is the pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

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Mike replied on Tue, Jul 20 2010 8:43 PM

democracy: two wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner

 

anyone remember the story reagan used to tell about the pig that ate dinner with the farmer and saved his family???

Be responsible, ease suffering; spay or neuter your pets.

We must get them to understand that government solutions are the problem!

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Giant_Joe replied on Tue, Jul 20 2010 9:09 PM

Thank God we have the president to tell us where to put grocery stores. Without him, we'ed all starve to death.

Immigrants suck. They take the jobs from us that we don't want, and it makes life nicer for the locals.

I'm sick of having to pay to get into malls. Good thing the government owns all the roads, or we'ed have to pay a toll every few seconds!

So what if he steals it from me? He's stealing it from me for the good of society.

I'm glad that someone 500 miles away has a say as to what children in our community are being taught. I need the wisdom of complete strangers who know nothing about me or my community to tell me what is good for us.

The doctor healed someone. Good stuff! And he made money in the process? HOW DARE HE?!

...

Yes, I say these kinds of things in casual conversation. :)

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The best case against democracy is to talk to the average voter for 5 minutes.

Socialism is what happens when the talen pool in society begins to shrink.

The only thing the government knows how to produce is long lines.

The funny thing about government, the smaller it is the better it gets.

I just recently discovered an organization that extorts money from everyone, is heavy into counterfiting, sells weapons to third world dictators, intimidates companies to help thier buddies, and claims its all for my own good. No, its not the mafia, its the government.

I have more respect for a gang member than a socialist. At least he'll threaten me in person.

Its amazing that people trust their money with a government whose policy is that debt is a good thing.

Public school teachers love to blame the parents when the kids are not being taught and  I wholeheartedly agree with their stance, fire the teachers since it is not their job to teach anyway and let the parents get to educating. Saves money in the long run

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup.You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend. -Bruce Lee
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"anyone remember the story reagan used to tell about the pig that ate dinner with the farmer and saved his family???"

Nope, but the magic of Google remembers all:

There's a joke President Reagan told about the way collectivist politicians treat rich people: A traveling salesman stays overnight with a farm family. When the family gathers to eat there's a pig seated at the table. And the pig has three medals hanging around his neck and a peg leg. The salesman says, "Um, I see you have a pig having dinner with you."

"Yes," says the farmer. "That's because he's a very special pig. You see those medals around his neck? Well, the first medal is from when our youngest son fell in the pond, and he was drowning, and that pig swam out and saved his life. The second medal, that's from when the barn caught fire and our little daughter was trapped in there and the pig ran inside, carried her out and saved her life. And the third medal, that's from when our oldest boy was cornered in the stock yard by a mean bull, and that pig ran under the fence and bit the bull on the tail and saved the boy's life."

"Yes," says the salesman, "I can see why you let that pig sit right at the table and have dinner with you. And I can see why you awarded him the medals. But how did he get the peg leg?"

"Well," says, the farmer, "a pig like that--you don't eat him all at once."

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The government is good at one thing...it knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say "see if it weren't for the government you wouldn't be able to walk!"

Harry Browne

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chloe732 replied on Tue, Jul 20 2010 10:31 PM

Michael:
  - "I just recently discovered an organization that extorts money from everyone, is heavy into counterfeiting, sells weapons to third world dictators, intimidates companies to help their buddies, and claims its all for my own good. No, its not the Mafia, its the government."

Quoted for truth if not humor.

"The market is a process." - Ludwig von Mises, as related by Israel Kirzner.   "Capital formation is a beautiful thing" - Chloe732.

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It sounds like Bastiat and Mencken are straight up your alley.

"I cannot prove, but am prepared to affirm, that if you take care of clarity in reasoning, most good causes will take care of themselves, while some bad ones are taken care of as a matter of course." -Anthony de Jasay

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Solid Choke, yeah I like to visit quote websites so probably all my 'original' quotes are heavily influenced by great libertarian authors :)

The older I get, the less I know.
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Conza88 replied on Wed, Jul 21 2010 7:09 AM

Want to hear a good joke?

Ronald Reagan.

Ron Paul is for self-government when compared to the Constitution. He's an anarcho-capitalist. Proof.
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Marked replied on Wed, Jul 21 2010 8:21 AM

The result: the monstrous deficit, now apparently permanently fixed somewhere around $200 billion,

 

This part had me reeling.

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If there is no honor among thieves, why is it assumed government will honor it's citizens?

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ricarpe replied on Wed, Jul 21 2010 9:31 AM

If the government were truly efficient, it would cease to exist.

"All men having power ought to be distrusted to a certain degree." -James Madison

"If government were efficient, it would cease to exist."

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MPP replied on Wed, Jul 21 2010 11:04 AM

Why does the mafia come to mind right now....?

"It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring." - Carl Sagan
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My Buddy replied on Wed, Jul 21 2010 7:17 PM

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

 

What is an exchange of opinion?

You go to the KGB with your opinion and, after torture, you return with theirs!

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"If the government were truly efficient, it would cease to exist."

Is this an ricarpe original of have you heard this elsewhere?

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The irony about socialism is that the "utopia paradise" it strives for can only be achieved by every man working for himself. 

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Mike replied on Thu, Jul 22 2010 12:30 PM

I do not like this Uncle Sam,

I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks,

or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals,

I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this speaker, Nan ,

I do not like this 'YES WE CAN.'

I do not like this spending spree,

I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.

I do not like their smug replies,

when I complain about their lies.

I do not like this kind of hope.

I do not like it, nope, nope, nope!

Be responsible, ease suffering; spay or neuter your pets.

We must get them to understand that government solutions are the problem!

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abskebabs replied on Thu, Jul 22 2010 1:28 PM

This aint quite a one liner, but I found the following anecdote from the Russian physicist Boris Ioffe about life in the Soviet Union while working with his supervisor Pomeranchuk amusing and edifying:

"In one particular aspect Pomeranchuk and I had something in common —
we had a common hobby, reading newspapers. At that time almost nobody
read newspapers regularly — there was no information there. All newspapers
were filled with articles that would start with words like “New successes in
the production of ... are achieved at the factory ... ” or “The worker Ivanov
(Petrov, etc.) in one shift produced ...” In order to get information from
newspapers one had to be a professional in this business, and we — Chuk and
me — were. (From now on I will call him Chuk, as many did.) In the morning,
just after arriving at the ITEP, Chuk would come into my office and ask:
— “ Have you read Pravda today?”
— “ Yes,” I would reply.
— “And what did you pay attention to?”
— “ To a small article on the third page.”
— “Oh!” and Chuk would raise his forefinger.
— “And you?”
—“ Probably, the same, the report on the meeting of the Voronezh District
Party Committee.”
— “Yes.”
— “And what was interesting for you in this report?”
— “The greeting to the Politbureau.”
—“Oh!” And Chuk’s forefinger would go up up again. “What concretely?”
— “The ordering in which the names of the Politbureau members were
listed.”
We understood each other well. From this ordering one could obtain an
idea of who was going up or down in the Politbureau, and estimate political
trends."

"When the King is far the people are happy."  Chinese proverb

For Alexander Zinoviev and the free market there is a shared delight:

"Where there are problems there is life."

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ama gi replied on Fri, Jul 23 2010 7:51 PM

Democracy is glorified mob rule

And what is the alternative?  Rule by a priesthood of illustrious, gifted persons such as yourself?

"As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable."

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Mike replied on Fri, Jul 23 2010 8:00 PM

ama gi :"And what is the alternative?  Rule by a priesthood of illustrious, gifted persons such as yourself?"

 

 

Boy, over 600 posts and you still don't have  a clue what this forum is about??  you should change your avatar

Be responsible, ease suffering; spay or neuter your pets.

We must get them to understand that government solutions are the problem!

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ama gi replied on Fri, Jul 23 2010 8:52 PM

Why should I?  Einstein wasn't anarcho-capitalist either.

I reject the idea of an-cap because I reject the idea of setting up private-sector bureaucracies to replace the statist buraucracies.  I don't want  a bunch of PDAs and private courts running around enforcing their own "private law" and I think the rule of law can exist only were there are formal legal codes universally agreed upon.  I think that those legal codes ought to be derived by public referendum and court precedent set by juries of our peers.  I don't think democracy is a bad thing.  I think democracy can coexist and thrive with free enterprise; just read de tocquville.

"As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable."

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Mike replied on Fri, Jul 23 2010 9:33 PM

your last post is all well and good - but how does that jive with "And what is the alternative?  Rule by a priesthood of illustrious, gifted persons such as yourself? as you know that is not what is advocated on this site

changing the avatar had to do with intelligence - just a jab. not personal, since i don't know you

Be responsible, ease suffering; spay or neuter your pets.

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ama gi replied on Fri, Jul 23 2010 10:02 PM

your last post is all well and good - but how does that jive with "And what is the alternative?  Rule by a priesthood of illustrious, gifted persons such as yourself? as you know that is not what is advocated on this site

I always take exception to the description of democracy as "mob rule".  If not rule by mob, then rule by whom?  Decisions are made by somebody, with or without a state.

"As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable."

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I always take exception to the description of democracy as "mob rule".  If not rule by mob, then rule by whom?  Decisions are made by somebody, with or without a state.

 

 

Democracy is rule by the majority.  I sure would hate to live in a Democracy, as whoever is in the majority rules the minority.  The rights of the minority are not protected.  If 51% voted to take 100% of your income, you are screwed.  It is mob rule.

Contrast this with a Republic, where its not rule of the majority, but by the rule of law.  And in the case of the Republic known as the United States of America, the rule of law is the Constitution.  Not as great as AnCap, but much better than a Democracy, IMHO.

 

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