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BeyonceGate: The Aftermath

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Willy Truth Posted: Wed, Jan 23 2013 12:04 PM


NEW YORK---It has been confirmed that international pop star and devoted Obama supporter Beyoncé Knowles lip-synced the national anthem at the Inauguration Rally for Barack Obama. The nation is still reeling from the scandal that many pundits are already calling the darkest moment of Obama’s presidency.  

The intelligence leak broke Tuesday morning at approximately 10:14 a.m. EST from MTV News, instantly going viral and shaking the country to its very core. Thousands of protestors have gathered outside the White House demanding that the president resign in the wake of what is being dubbed “Beyoncégate”. Earlier this morning the National Guard was deployed to put down violent riots in Chicago and Los Angeles, but the total death count is yet unknown.

“It’s chilling that he is capable of this.” Said Inauguration rally attendee Dr. Wanda Hayes, “[w]hen I voted for Obama this November, I voted for what our country truly needs in these difficult times, a man with an unwavering set of principles, and those were ‘hope’ and ‘change’,” Continued Hayes, her voice unsteady, “Not this tyrant who will deny his own people the experience of Beyoncé,

“Not this.” she repeated softly, as if speaking to no one.

There has been a reported sudden spike in suicides from the greater Washington D.C. area, and authorities have confirmed that many are Obama-disillusionment related. Although citizens throughout the country are searching feverishly for some justification for the tragedy, no links have yet been uncovered linking the event to any sort of sabotage by FoxNews.

“We’ve been on the job nonstop since it came out. We’re just as surprised as you are,” reported DNC spokesperson Richard Herring. “We know that it looks bad. But if people will just suspend their judgment until we get to the bottom of this, I think they will realize that it was radical guns-rights activists all along.”

Despite the Obama White House’s attempts to curtail the hysteria, has already been flooded with thousands of emails, many of which include death threats and renunciations of citizenship.

“It’s like, everything I thought I believed in has been turned upside,” said Baltimore resident Sandra White, visibly shaken, “I know Obama’s not perfect, but I’ve been a huge fan through it all and nothing he’s ever done—the NCAA basketball predictions, the Daily Show appearances, the Beer Summit—has ever come close to being this deceitful or downright. . . evil.”

Within an hour of the news breaking, Beyoncé was reportedly taken into custody and has since been detained by the Department of Homeland Security. But the damage appears to have already been done, with riots continuing to escalate in cities throughout the country.

“I just don’t know if I want to live in a world where I can’t even trust Obama to not have lip-syncing pop stars perform the national anthem for his multi-million dollar inauguration festival,” continued White.

“Sometimes I think I’d rather just die,” said White, distantly.



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DanielMuff replied on Wed, Jan 23 2013 12:13 PM

Wait, so did she really lip-sync?


To paraphrase Marc Faber: We're all doomed, but that doesn't mean that we can't make money in the process.
Rabbi Lapin: "Let's make bricks!"
Stephan Kinsella: "Say you and I both want to make a German chocolate cake."

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Blargg replied on Wed, Jan 23 2013 1:21 PM

This is an Onion piece, right? Right???

Oh, I hadn't read it all. DHS involved, definitely Onion.

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Willy might have wrote it himself. He wrote something else which I initially thought was an onion piece.

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Tis mine, for I feel it is my civic duty to bring satirical mirth into the forum. 

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Bogart replied on Thu, Jan 24 2013 8:57 AM

Why arrest her? she is hot.  Now if it was the less hot and more averaged proportioned Kelly Clarkson or worse Wynonna Judd then you can throw the book at them.  Think aobut it this way, if these were teachers and they had affairs with 16 year old students then who would get off without punishment?  The HOT ONE OF COURSE!!

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