General

Re: Writing Advise

My Buddy — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 13:21:03 GMT

Okay, updated again, added the beginning of the second part of the story (as in, the actual story rather than the prologue), fixed some other issues.

Re: Writing Advise

My Buddy — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 01:58:42 GMT

It isn't actually Canada, but I get into that later.

>At the beginning, I think the classroom dialog could move along much quicker, like with one sentence answers, or maybe just a few words, like you hear stock answers in a typical classroom review (at least where I went to school, answers to review questions were morbidly short). It sounds preachy, as if the students don't really believe what they are saying and are trying to convince others that they believe it, or that they are beginners and are still convincing themselves of these statements. If that is your intention, then it's working. But I guess the other statements seemed to conflict with that.

A bit of both actually. First, its a societal norm of sorts to constantly refer to the glorious of the Communist state (though I get into that later too), and second, they aren't COMPLETELY convinced in every sense.

But you are right, it is a bit long so I will cut it down a little.

>Use "than" to compare things, like "the hill was larger then than I expected" There are several of these to adjust.

Use "then" for time sequencing: "Then my senses returned" and for logic sequencing: "If ... then ..."

In the U.S. the standard phrasing is "stop and smell the flowers"

Okay, I will fix that.

Re: Writing Advise

Christy Ann Welty — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 05:02:51 GMT

putting cherry trees and bamboo in Canada certainly adds to the fantasy element

Re: Writing Advise

Christy Ann Welty — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 04:53:59 GMT

Fun premise, lots of action -- cool

At the beginning, I think the classroom dialog could move along much quicker, like with one sentence answers, or maybe just a few words, like you hear stock answers in a typical classroom review (at least where I went to school, answers to review questions were morbidly short). It sounds preachy, as if the students don't really believe what they are saying and are trying to convince others that they believe it, or that they are beginners and are still convincing themselves of these statements. If that is your intention, then it's working. But I guess the other statements seemed to conflict with that.

Use "than" to compare things, like "the hill was larger then than I expected" There are several of these to adjust.

Use "then" for time sequencing: "Then my senses returned" and for logic sequencing: "If ... then ..."

In the U.S. the standard phrasing is "stop and smell the flowers"

Re: Writing Advise

My Buddy — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 22:11:52 GMT

Modified, added a new part (which is very rough right now)

Re: Writing Advise

Smiling Dave — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 13:29:20 GMT

My Buddy:

Alright, that should definitely improve it.

Isn't there a PM or some version of that around? If not, I suppose you could email it if you want.

OK, emailed.

Re: Writing Advise

My Buddy — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 13:05:03 GMT

Alright, that should definitely improve it.

Isn't there a PM or some version of that around? If not, I suppose you could email it if you want.

Re: Writing Advise

Smiling Dave — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 05:09:52 GMT

I edited about 5 pages. How can I send it to you?

Some general comments:

1. Very interesting to read, but needs a lot of work.

2. Try not to be precise. Be extreme. Here is an example of what I mean. Instead of "I try not to be with him much," write "I try not to be with him." The mind has a hard time weighing and measuring. It just wants to get on with the story. Another example: a watch should not be "quite durable", but "durable."

3. Use active instead of passive voice as much as possible. Not "The room was cleaned," but "He cleaned the room." The mind likes to imagine actions, not results.

Re: Writing Advise

My Buddy — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 04:49:20 GMT

Would you prefer I call it "Drugs & Sex contained within this topic"?

Re: Writing Advise

krazy kaju — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 03:17:28 GMT

hayekianxyz:

The title of this topic is just too good.

My first thought too.

Re: Writing Advise

hayekianxyz — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 02:50:00 GMT

The title of this topic is just too good.

Writing Advice

My Buddy — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 00:34:32 GMT

I have recently been working on a science-fiction/fantasy mix in my spare time. I already have a good base on which I am building, but need advise on editing the story. I already have the prologue-ish section ready. The story features such things as:

-Magic!

-A sinister Corporate-Magical-Government conspiracy!

-Alternate Worlds (2)

-Gladiator Fights! (of a sort)

-Syndicalist Canada!

among other things. However, the first part I have written is mostly a prologue. I will have it up in a couple minutes. Once its up, feel free to give criticism (some story elements are actually intentionally left out, but mention them anyway in case I forgot something. Also, grammatical advise and proper wording is top priority).

EDIT: here we go https://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AX7-SJhpZ-HRZGdxY21rd21fNWRjcXF6d2Z0&hl=en

Under normal circumstances I would put this in an off topic forum, but this is the closest I could find here so I guess this will have to do.