I have recently been working on a science-fiction/fantasy mix in my spare time. I already have a good base on which I am building, but need advise on editing the story. I already have the prologue-ish section ready. The story features such things as:
-Magic!
-A sinister Corporate-Magical-Government conspiracy!
-Alternate Worlds (2)
-Gladiator Fights! (of a sort)
-Syndicalist Canada!
among other things. However, the first part I have written is mostly a prologue. I will have it up in a couple minutes. Once its up, feel free to give criticism (some story elements are actually intentionally left out, but mention them anyway in case I forgot something. Also, grammatical advise and proper wording is top priority).
EDIT: here we go https://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AX7-SJhpZ-HRZGdxY21rd21fNWRjcXF6d2Z0&hl=en
Under normal circumstances I would put this in an off topic forum, but this is the closest I could find here so I guess this will have to do.
The title of this topic is just too good.
"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows"
Bob Dylan
hayekianxyz: The title of this topic is just too good.
My first thought too.
Political Atheists Blog
Would you prefer I call it "Drugs & Sex contained within this topic"?
I edited about 5 pages. How can I send it to you?
Some general comments:
1. Very interesting to read, but needs a lot of work.
2. Try not to be precise. Be extreme. Here is an example of what I mean. Instead of "I try not to be with him much," write "I try not to be with him." The mind has a hard time weighing and measuring. It just wants to get on with the story. Another example: a watch should not be "quite durable", but "durable."
3. Use active instead of passive voice as much as possible. Not "The room was cleaned," but "He cleaned the room." The mind likes to imagine actions, not results.
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It's easy to refute an argument if you first misrepresent it. William Keizer
Alright, that should definitely improve it.
Isn't there a PM or some version of that around? If not, I suppose you could email it if you want.
My Buddy: Alright, that should definitely improve it. Isn't there a PM or some version of that around? If not, I suppose you could email it if you want.
OK, emailed.
Modified, added a new part (which is very rough right now)
Fun premise, lots of action -- cool
At the beginning, I think the classroom dialog could move along much quicker, like with one sentence answers, or maybe just a few words, like you hear stock answers in a typical classroom review (at least where I went to school, answers to review questions were morbidly short). It sounds preachy, as if the students don't really believe what they are saying and are trying to convince others that they believe it, or that they are beginners and are still convincing themselves of these statements. If that is your intention, then it's working. But I guess the other statements seemed to conflict with that.
Use "than" to compare things, like "the hill was larger then than I expected" There are several of these to adjust.
Use "then" for time sequencing: "Then my senses returned" and for logic sequencing: "If ... then ..."
In the U.S. the standard phrasing is "stop and smell the flowers"
putting cherry trees and bamboo in Canada certainly adds to the fantasy element
It isn't actually Canada, but I get into that later.
>At the beginning, I think the classroom dialog could move along much quicker, like with one sentence answers, or maybe just a few words, like you hear stock answers in a typical classroom review (at least where I went to school, answers to review questions were morbidly short). It sounds preachy, as if the students don't really believe what they are saying and are trying to convince others that they believe it, or that they are beginners and are still convincing themselves of these statements. If that is your intention, then it's working. But I guess the other statements seemed to conflict with that.
A bit of both actually. First, its a societal norm of sorts to constantly refer to the glorious of the Communist state (though I get into that later too), and second, they aren't COMPLETELY convinced in every sense.
But you are right, it is a bit long so I will cut it down a little.
>Use "than" to compare things, like "the hill was larger then than I expected" There are several of these to adjust.
Okay, I will fix that.