Jokes

Ok, I have decided that the butt of all jokes should be politicians from now on.  So, I am going to start posting old jokes and substituting politicians for whatever group used to be in the joke.  Here is the first one:

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a politician came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

The politician opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into the house.

A little later the politician came out of the house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house the politician went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here the politician came again. The politician marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by the politicians actions, the man asked the politician, "Is something wrong?"

To which the politician replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"  

6/24:

Q: What do UFO's and smart politicians have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A politician going through a flashing red light

Q: What would you do if a politician threw a hand grenade right at you?
A: You'd pull the pin and throw it back.

Awesome =]

That is so awesome.  Really.  I think I have a jokes database lying around somewhere.  Hmmmm....

Spideynw:

Ok, I have decided that the butt of all jokes should be politicians from now on.

The subjugated peoples of communist East Germany beat you to it.

 

"Two Berliner children spoke to each other over the wall. The little girl in the west says, while eating a banana, "Look - I have a banana." The boy in the East doesn't want to be inferior to her in anything and says, full of pride: "We have socialism." The girl counters: "So, we'll have socialism soon too." The boy, triumphant: "See, then you won't have any bananas anymore either.""

 

I think a book has been published recently about jokes during Eastern European communism. 

One of them was that a man goes to buy a Lada (Russian car) and is told that he can collect it on a certain day 10 years from now. 

The customer asks, "Will that be the morning or afternoon?". 

"What does it matter?", replies the salesman.

"Well,", says the customer, "I have the plumber coming in the morning.".

 

 

 A politician calls his girlfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

His girlfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The politician says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."  His girlfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

He lets her in and shows her where he has the puzzle spread all over the table.

She studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to him and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

She takes his hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." she sighs, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

It's "Parental Profession Day" at Billy Joe's school. All kids are asked to name their parents' jobs, and so they do. Lastly, young Billy Joe is called up to inform the class.

"My mother's a stay-at-home mom, and my daddy works in the whorehouse." Everybody laughs, even little Billy Joe.

Worried about the father's immoral impact on Billy Joe, the teacher invites his mother for a talk. When asked about daddy's extraordinary occupation, mommy replies:

"Oh, you have to understand. Billy's ashamed of his father's real employment: he's our senator's undersecretary."

Everyone says they like Harpo. My favorite Marx brother was Karl.

Dyslexics Of The World, Untie!! You Have Nothing To Chain But Your Soles

 How are Socialism and Hell alike?

People are working their lives away for an eternity of suffering and pain in incredible heat

Hell is pretty damm hot too!

 

Honecker and Mielke are discussing their hobbies.
Honecker: "I collect all the jokes about me that are in circulation."
Mielke: "Then we have almost the same hobby. I collect those who bring the jokes into circulation."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GDR_jokes

There is no question that the Soviets brutally oppressed everyone in their path.  They had an eye on West Germany, and they were determined to force us to give it up.  They cut off transport to West Berlin and tried to install nuclear missiles in Cuba capable of reaching Washington, D.C., to threaten us into giving up territory abroad.  So, my question is, was the U.S. in the right in airlifting troops and supplies to West Berlin every three minutes around the clock and, by extension, defending the world against Soviet expansion?

"If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?"

A Department of Water representative stopped at a Texas ranch and talked with its owner. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation." The old man said, "OK, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence; close behind was the rancher's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...
"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.  After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'  The florist was pleased and left the shop.
 When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week.'  The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I  cannot accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week.'  The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning  when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.
'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes  to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week.'  The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental  difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
 Vote carefully this year

A cannibal was walking through the jungle  and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some Examples of why this country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts," Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa," Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." 
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a  destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! "So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".
Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in!

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a Democratic member of Congress....But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
             
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
                 
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
           
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
- G Gordon Liddy
                   
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
                                        
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
                
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P. J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
  
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
         
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan (1986)
              
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.  - Will Rogers
                
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke
             
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)
           
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)
         
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)
          
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Unknown
         
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain
                     
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
            
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. - Mark Twain
                         
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
  
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium."
Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium  has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay but instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypocritical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an  element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

 "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

 "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the Honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

 Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Fabulous 'joke' Juan! Sounds pretty 'true' to me :)

Jain

Yeah, it seems to be taken from an economics textbook =]

Oooh, ooh! I've got one!

 

Victor Aguilar