March 2010 - Posts
Watching this particular piece of legislation work its way through congress has been one of the more robust episodes of lemming-watching that I've encountered in a while. On the left we hear about civil rights and hundreds of years of struggle. On the right we hear about the draconian takeover of one-sixth of the U.S. economy and how it will result in a police state in short order.
The reality is that despite salesmanship efforts to the contrary, healthcare bears no more resemblance to civil rights than a unicycle to a cane. Indeed, modern healthcare hasn't even existed for a hundred years so how could the struggle go back a hundred years. And while totalitarian societies do ration healthcare as a form of population control, there are many other features of a police state that the United States has yet to adopt. Yet.
Sadly, the reality of this health care bill on the lives of each of us will be minor. As far as distribution it really only affects the "32 million uninsured," amounting to around 8% of the population, who, for our efforts, will receive the healthcare equivalent of government housing. Hope you enjoy it. Though free, I expect it will do little to shut them up.
It also creates an entirely new class of criminal. People who were law-abiding citizens 'yesterday' will, with the swipe of Mr. Obama's pen, become criminals 'tomorrow'. Liberty is, among other things, the right to not carry health insurance and take that risk. Yes, another of our rights has just fallen into the dust bin. Though realistically, this number represents only a few million people. Guess we're going to need more jails.
Taxes will go up. How do you think it adds nothing to the deficit? New taxes. Not by much. But it's never by much. A little here, a little there. And mostly on the evil corporations and businesses that hire us. Or lay us off. I personally won't be stimulating the economy this year by buying a new car because taxes are due in a month. Or a new computer. Or going on vacation. And I'll be saving more than spending. A huge difference in my life? No, not really. Multiply it by twenty million and is it a huge difference in the economy? You decide.
Government is the real winner and I don't mean the Obamocrats. Half of the $940,000,000,000 price tag will go to pay for the implementation of all this new stuff. After all, someone has got to manage the 32,000,000 formerly uninsured people. And set up the new health care exchanges. And guard the new criminals. And the corporations. All this big-brother is going take thousands of employees, dozens of new buildings, new software, new computer systems. And a few new forms. In triplicate. Yeah, government and the paper industry did well with this one. The forests, not so much.
Hat's off to Mr. Obama and his 'Crats. You really outdid yourselves this time guys... people. Would have made one heck of a movie.
John, www.not-a-lemming.com
Toyota Motor Corporation has announced plans to move forward with a radical new automobile depite massive flaws in the design. While members of the motoring public are expressing outrage at this irresponsible decision Toyota has defended their decision saything that the benefits to the public outweigh the risks and that the problems will be fixed after the car reaches the consumers.
Benefits cited by the troubled automaker are many and most customers will appreciate them almost immediately. For one thing, Toyota claims that the vehicle uses no gasoline at all. While it does require gasoline in the tank, a sophisticated re-constitution system running on solar power will recombined the exhaust byproducts back into gasoline that will then be pumped back into the tank ready for use again. One tank, they claim, should last about fifty years and produce zero greenhouse gasses.
Also of note, the car is said to be impervious to wrecks. It can not be damaged. "The paint can obviously be scraped," Toyota's president was heard to say, "but repainting is much less expensive than replacement!"
While consumers might expect a hefty price tag on this revolutionary new design, that's the biggest surprise of all. This car will not cost one penny more than their current cheapest model, and is actually expected to drive auto prices far lower and help the world economy rebound. Adding incredible styling to the mix along with a zero to 60 time of less than 5 seconds as well as seating for 8, Toyota expects their new ride to, "Pretty much put the competition out of business." And since it requires no fossile fuels, or any energy at all, to manufacture this incredible new vehicle, it will go a long way towards protecting the environment.
This new vehicle is not without it's problems though. First, and perhaps most important, it doesn't work. Yes, it looks great, and the interior is magnificent, but testers couldn't get the engine to start. But they did note that they enjoyed simply sitting in such a flawless piece of artwork. Toyota promises to fix this problem soon after the car is put into production and, they add, as long as the engine doesn't work, it will help prevent wrecks. Moreover, until the problem is fixed, owners won't be required to register their vehicles or carry insurance, reducing costs significantly. That this feature of the vehicle was factored into it's incredible ability to survive wrecks in no way detracts from its safety rating, Toyota maintains.
There are a number of other problems as well including the tendency to rust when exposed to air and an electronics and computer system that currently don't do anything but make the lights blink. There have also been reports of a tendency of the vehicle to roll over whether in motion or not. Toyota guarantees these problems will be fixed at the company's expense after the drivers have taken possession of the vehicle which they will begin taking orders for yesterday.
Toyota has not yet identified the plant where this new vehicle is to be built but executives have hinted that it may be located somewhere on Earth. They also feel that the workers will offer to assemble the vehicle for free simply for the honor of being an employee of Toyota. The raw materials are expected to be gathered from meteorites randomly falling on the Earth so represent another significant cost savings. Any fluctations in the price of the vehicle as a result of ungrateful employees demanding to be paid for their labor or failure of meteorites to supply the necessary raw materials will be billed to the customer.
Despite these problems, Toyota is confident that the public, seeing the obvious benefits of the vehicle will begin sending checks to their dealers for the expected delivery some time in the next couple of years. Given their high customer quality, potential customers polled fully trusted Toyota to fix any problems after they take delivery. They decried opposition by consumer groups to sell a vehicle with obvious problems and that has not been certified as safe, economical, or even feasible, as typical naysayer whining by those fixated on the status quo of rising vehicle prices. "The world needs this vehicle now!" their president was heard to say. "It is too important not to build and any problems can be fixed later!"
The name of this revolutionary vehicle? Toyota is currently trying to decide between the Medicus or the Insura but an invasion of rats at their headquarters has driven the executive staff into refuge at a resort in Thailand where they were unable to be reached for comment.
John, www.not-a-lemming.com
One of the most boggling cases of unintended Toyota acceleration has been solved, experts close to the case were saying today. The problem it seems was in fact due to extreme ignorance of today's mechanical devices. The driver of the car, calling himself James Sikes who is pictured here, 
is in fact none other than Jonas Grumby, skipper of the S.S. Minnow, shipwrecked on a uncharted desert isle for the better part of the last four decades. 
This does in fact explain his inability to understand the relatively simple operation of a vehicle such as a Prius which has even fewer controls than a typical automibile. His lawyer, Thurston Howell III, 
has claimed that since the Prius is not equipped with a throttle such as the one that existed in the Minnow, which Capt. Grumby also wrecked, he can not be held liable for the incident.
In a rare twist, however, a team of scientists led by Professor Roy Hinkley, 
have analyzed the wear pattern on the brakes of the Prius and show that they are inconsistent with Capt. Grumby's story. No doubt there will be an inquest to determine the truth of this important matter, and maybe they'll clear up what happened with the Minnow as well.
John, www.not-a-lemming.com
The country is horrified. The world waits in suspense. When will the next Toyota suddenly speed to 94 miles per hour and kill the driver and her family? Stuck accelerator pedals? Plush floor mats? A faulty throttle body? Actually none of these are responsible. So what is the problem? Perhaps the most striking example of lemming-like behavior ever observed in a 'higher' mammal.
To my knowledge, an automobile can only continue to accelerate (assuming a level grade) if torque from the engine is continually applied to the wheels. And to my knowledge, all production automobiles have a complex device known as a TRANSMISSION between the engine and the drive wheels. Typically this TRANSMISSION has a position called NEUTRAL in which the gears that transmit torque from the engine to the wheels become uncoupled. In every car in which I've ever ridden, there is a large lever called a SHIFT LEVER that allows the DRIVER to select NEUTRAL whenever she desires, thereby uncoupling the engine torque from the drive wheels so the car can roll to a STOP.
The latest example of the unintended acceleration phenomenon occured earlier this week in California. The DRIVER of a Prius actually called 911 which responded with a Highway Patrolman who drove alongside and suggested the DRIVER shift to NEUTRAL. Apparently the DRIVER refused because he believed the car would FLIP if he shifted to neutral. Flip? Flip? How in the hell does a car flip if you shift to neutral? That doesn't even happen in movies. Is it possible that a modern human can be this misinformed about the natural world? The place where they live everyday? I gues it is.
Toyota might have an engineering problem that needs to be fixed. And I can see how such a problem might result in a fender bender if a DRIVER is surprised and doesn't have time to hit NEUTRAL. But deaths after a thirty-minute episode on the interstate? Toyota's problem isn't their cars. It is their customers. Honestly they must be the stupidest people on the planet! But, maybe that's what you get when your entire worldview is the result of television, movies, and video games. Sadly, I can actually forsee a day coming when Americans will be too stupid to have the right to operate a motor vehicle.
John, www.not-a-lemming.com
Clearly the Academy is full of shit. Again.
John, www.not-a-lemming.com